Foods before dudes

So I've unveiled my secret plan (so secret even I didn't know it was my plan!) as to why I'm actually dating (besides SCIENCE!).
...Wait for it....


Food.

Food and wine will always be my great loves.
Food is always going to my first and foremost (sorry, Wine, try not to take it too personally. You just came into my life so much later than food did).
But what's better than food?

FREE FOOD.

Ah yessss. The one thing that can get me to do almost anything (the company I work for has discovered this weak spot in most of their employees and regularly uses it to appease the masses).

So dating.
If you're a girl, do you know what you get on a date? Paid for (and, hopefully, not for sexual favors. Just your meal, drink, coffee).
Now I'm not saying this is fair. In fact, I think it's pretty stupid. My exes and I have almost always split the bills because making the guy pay for everything is absolutely ridiculous. Even on a first date.
So I will always offer to pay for half (or at least my half).

HOWEVER.
Girls suffer a lot of bias because we happen to have vaginas and bigger boobs (bigger than *most* dudes at least). So if we happen to get a free meal every now and then because of said vagina, so be it. No argument here! I'll make a genuine offer, but won't fight you if you offer me the one thing I love most in the world--free food.

So my super-top-secret plan? See how much free food I can get!
Date sucks? No prob! I got this delicious doughnut out of the deal.
Super creepy dude? It's okay, I've only got eyes for this tasty tamale!
Horrible conversation? Don't sweat, there's always my mouthwatering mac&cheese to keep me company!

Also, THANK GOD my 'what will we eat on Sunday' problem has been solved!
No need to choose because I can eat ALL OF THE THINGS thanks to his suggestion and Bite of Seattle.
Who cares about the first date now? I GET TO EAT SO MUCH FOOD
#longhairdontcare
The fact that I'm so excited about the food makes all of my nerves about the date fade away. How can I worry about if he's cute or boring or not, when there are FREE SAMPLES about?

Wave after wave, I'm slowly drifting

Dammit -_______-

Maybe it's the fact that I haven't gotten any action in a while, but I might be developing a crush on a man I've never met before.
DANGER! DANGER! Abort mission!
I don't like that the feels are feeling things.
...god, I hope he's cute. Or maybe it would be better, for science, if he was super unattractive (to me). Stop all this nonsense before I get in too deep.
To be fair, he hasn't been particularly witty or charming. But interesting and nice. That 'nice' factor is key in my dating world because, well, sometimes they're not.
I can tell he's starting to get a little more comfortable though, so maybe he just needs to break the ice?
:P <<< he used one of those in a recent convo and I've used one of ;)
Since winky faces are pretty much the emoji equivalent of offering your body (that's how that works, right?), maybe he'll take the hint.

Also, my first potential date texted me again (He shall hence forth be known as AppleSeed). I didn't see that coming.
Maybe I can set up a trial run with him on Saturday before I meet with PassTheDutch on Sunday. Ease into things a little bit? AppleSeed hasn't responded though so we'll see if anything develops...or, shall I say.....grows.

Good one, Babs. *self-five*

Also, can I just say that some people are persistent motherfuckers?
One guy has messaged me twice and IMed me three times. How does one not get the picture, that after no response whatsoever, someone is not interested?
Good for you for your persistence, but continuously trying to create communication will not all of sudden foster attraction. Unless you kidnap me, force me to talk to you and I develop some sort of Stockholm Syndrome (10/10 would not recommend).

Eat this, not that

So apparently, on my very first date as a scientist, I've already messed up.
AND MY DATE HASN'T EVEN HAPPENED YET.
Experiment with Subject 1 (PassTheDutch) is already failing. Because I'm a noob and made a rookie mistake.

By scheduling a date so far in advance, we're already using up that precious first date conversation. We haven't even met and our topics are waning. Before you know it, I'll be swimming in dangerous waters and floating around subjects-that-shall-not-be-named (politics, religion, sex...). Fuck.
I'm panicking already (actual thought today: Oh god, is it acceptable to play Never Have I Ever on a first date? Kings Cup? ...I think I'm confusing dates with college parties...).

Not to mention I still have to pick some place to eat. THE DECISIONS.
This guy doesn't know me, but making me make a choice? On the first date? Hello, nightmare.
I've decided I'm going to pick a food 'genre' (thai, sushi, burgers, etc) and make him pick a place. However, that still leaves me with a very crucial decision that I have to reluctantly make.
No joke, I actually googled "foods to eat on a first date". Lolz.
It was surprisingly unhelpful (although I did find a link to all of the "sexy foods" I should order. Noted: figs will make me seem sexy), so I'm still stuck.
I'm hopeless.


UPDATE: I just got a message from a 34 year old, picture-less stranger on OKC. It said "cute pic of you eating salad lol nice teeth and smile".
I LOOK CUTE EATING SALAD. This will turn out to be a very useful clue into 'what should I eat on my first date'. Salad.
Wait, does that make me one of those girls? Those girls who eat salad and barely eat anything on dates? FUCK. Maybe if I stuff my face full of bread it will balance out the cute-salad eating. ANOTHER CLUE! Bread!
So some place that has both salad and free bread. I think we're getting closer, Watson.

Come on pass the dutch, baby!

Another thing happened!

And another didn't happen.
My coffee date cancelled :( It was apparently work-related, but there's been no re-schedule.
I don't really care, to be honest. He owes me nothing; I owe him nothing. We were just two people who maybe wanted to meet IRL at some point. But no dice. No sweat off my back though.

However, I did get a message from someone who I found to be relatively cute and he *gasp* put effort into his message AND profile! He meets all of my minimum requirements! (I know, I definitely set my bar pretty high). From now I shall refer to him as PassTheDutch (because I like that song and he lived in the Netherlands).

After some messaging back and forth, I left the door open (WIIIIIIIDE open...if he didn't get my huge hints that we should meet, he would have been an idiot) to ask about an IRL meet-up. He met the challenge and accepted it!
We now have plans for Sunday afternoon. At 4pm (is that a weird time to anyone else besides me?).
We're gonna walk around the sculpture park (since he's never been) and then get dinner (I still need to decide what kind of food. PRESSURE. I feel like I'm putting too much thought. But it has to be delicious and I must look cute eating it. Which means burritos are out :( As is anything pesto-related because of the super high probability of green-crap-in-teeth situation. Decisions!).

I feel like that's a lot of activity for a first date though? What about coffee? It would be easy to chat for an hour and run if things sucked. What if he's a creepy murderer? or WORSE. Not as cute as I think! (I clearly have my priorities in line). I'm locked in to a meal AND an activity. That's faaaaaar too much time to spend with a stranger.

And worse yet? We've been texting. Like, getting-to-know-you texting. THE HORROR!
I'm legitimately afraid we're going to use up all of our conversations over text and then have absolutely nothing to talk about during our excruciatingly-long Sunday date. We'll have nothing to do but sit in painful silence while I chew my not-burrito (which, since there's no burrito involved, already sounds terrible).
AND HE'LL HEAR ME CHEWING (noted: choose noisy restaurant). Oh god, is it too late to back out now? *mild panic attack*

Good thing I love science so much, otherwise I might very well say 'cya later OKC', I'll be a shut-in with my bottle of wine and giant burrito.
But, for you, science, I won't
Not to mention, I find this guy kinda cute and somewhat interesting and a person I might actually want to get to know.
Which is actually scarier than him being a murderer for 2 reasons.
1) Maybe I've built him up in my head to be far more awesome than he actually is. This being my first online-to-real life encounter ("encounter", lolz, that sounds...sexual), it could very well set me up for disappointment for all of my future 'encounters'. Maybe he sucks. Maybe he's not attractive. Maybe he's alright, but not that great. These aren't horrible things, but I'm just afraid I'm going to set myself up for disappointment.
OR
2)  WORSE!
What if I like him? What if he likes me back? What if he doesn't like me back?!
There is a potential for emotions to get involved. I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. This is for science after all. This is not an experiment to make me feel the feels.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe he'll suck and I'll have to spend 3 hours of my life listening to myself chew loudly. We can only hope!

OKC called me a bitch.

...And I'm not OK[cupid] with that.

WHAT THE FUCK OKCUPID?

Some of the questions include:
"How does the idea of being slapped hard in the face during sex make you feel?"
Some of the answers include: aroused, indifferent, nostalgic, scared.

And apparently, after answering 130 of those questions, it determined I was a total fucking bitch.
At least compared to other females in my age range.

Here's my "personality" after 130 questions:

I sound like the worst person in the world. Not only am a rude, untrusting bitch, but I'm a 'less pure', atheist prude. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I honestly have no idea if I'm "less pure" (whatever the fuck that means), but I will admit that they did get the less spiritual and less romantic part right.
However, I still call bullshit. I feel like there is such a gender bias here. More logical and more scientific? Is that bad? I don't know, I just feel like it's completely skewed. Sure I may be 'more logical' than some females (again, what the fuck does that even mean?!), but how would I stack up against a male counterpart?
And, I don't know, I guess I just don't buy it. I feel like there's a certain image that OKC expects of a woman and I feel that perhaps, some women, play into that. The romantic one, I guess. The one I am, apparently, very opposite of (fair).
I just don't buy it and it's made me really skeptical of the whole OKC algorithm.

I don't trust you, OKC. I'm watching you....

Nevertheless (FOR SCIENCE!), I decided to play OKC's little "personality" game. To see how the number of questions I answered would affect my so-called "personality". 

So I kept going. 

I was surprised to see how one answer could drastically change my results. Sure, the more you answer, the more accurate it's going to be, but having already answered 130 questions, I figured one answer shouldn't affect it *that* much. 

But, alas, one minute you're normal, then you make one answer about not owning a 8+sided dice and you're suddenly anti-geek. Again, it made me nothing, but more skeptical. 

However, since I could see me suddenly thawing out of frigid bitch territory, I decided to keep going. 

Here are my results, 170 questions in:

Not great, but I appear to be warming up to strangers, finally. And I'm literate! Thank god! I CAN READ! Good thing I have OKC to fill me in on those important details about myself. 

Again, I kept going.
It also struck me how it is SO freaking easy to skew your own results and "personality". Considering this is a HUGE determining factor on who you're matched up with, it's kind of scary to think about the people who could so easily portray themselves to be someone they're not. I guess it's the internet so what the hell else was I expecting.
Also, that's a classic Bab's outlook. So untrusting.
...Maybe OKC knows me better than I think? MAYBE I AM A FRIGID BITCH? ...I'll just go cry into my bottle of wine now...

*sigh* To prove 170-question-OKC-personality wrong, I kept going, with hope that I might not sound like such a terrible person. 

Here we are at 200 questions:

Not gonna lie, I still sound like a pretty terrible date. I definitely wouldn't date me with those results, but at least I sounds kind of interesting.
Maybe if I keep going, I'll finally be able to be kind to strangers! *fingers crossed*

And even with a pretty terrible "personality" I still get messages from dudes who want to bone. So there's hope?
Case and point, this little IM gem:

"hey how's it going? would you be interested in some casual fun? I can send you a pic if you want, im good looking :)"

Ahhh yes, I can tell by your picture-less profile that you must be super good-looking. Because it's a dating website and no one would ever want to see a picture of your face to determine if you're actually good-looking.

A thing!

"Yeah Its only after you travel that you really come to realize how cool Seattle and the PNW is. I read your profile and you seem like such an awesome person. Too bad you're so tall. :/"

COOL. AS IF I'M NOT SELF-CONSCIOUS ENOUGH, JERK.
However, I will continue to wear heels and kick ass (and pretend to be GODZIRRA! around all of my short friends).
More messages, more lame-os.
Did I mention that "Hello beautiful" or "Hi :)" is the absolute worst way to initiate a conversation? Because, yeah, it is. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT???
Also being the age of MY DAD is another terrible quality in a future date. No thanks. 

An interesting one? Someone just came right out and said some fun facts about himself: "I'm a huge nerd, and the 5th was my birthday! Also I'm afraid of sharks". Cool?
Because I find sharks to be super cuddly and adorable and would definitely try to pet it?
Uhhh, I would hope human instinct would kick in and strike the fear of sharks in everyone.
Except when watching Sharknado. That movie is AWESOME and everyone, fear of sharks or not, should definitely spend 2 hrs of their life dedicated to Sharknado (no joke). 

But. An actual thing happened!
First message:
"Hi! Coffee?"

He's not really "my type", but he's relatively cute and his profile wasn't horrible so why not?!
FOR SCIENCE! *fist pump*

My response: "Sure! I'm down :) When are you free?"
Who knows if anything will come of it, but this is the first step toward going on my first date with a stranger....ever? OH DEAR LORD. That is terrifying. Fingers crossed I won't get murdered!

*Internal Screams*

OH DEAR LORD.
Day 1 and things are already WEIRD.

Not only did I find my current roommate's PSYCHO ex-roommate (who might I add is supposed to be in a serious, monogamous relationship), but worse. Things just got worse.

A married co-worker of mine just messaged me on OKC. Work and OKC DO NOT mix.
I repeat: DANGER! PANIC! ABORT MISSION!

His message: "What was your absolute favorite part of today?"

My reaction: OH GOD! OH GOD! He knows I'm on here! During work hours! Wait, isn't he married? I'm pretty fucking sure he just got married? Is that too judgey of me? To each his own? NOPE. NOPE. Too weird.
MUST. TELL. COWORKER. IN NEXT CUBICLE. *runs around screaming*
My actual message: "HAHAHAHAHA"

His reply: "That is the exact response I was thinking would happen"

My reaction: What the fuck am I supposed to say? I'm freaking the fuck out here. This is weird. If you didn't think it was weird then you KRAY KRAY. Not only because you know I know you're married (again, totes understand complicated and/or open marriages), but WE WORK TOGETHER. It's common courtesy when you see a coworker on an online dating site to laugh, tell your friends and then never do anything about it ever. And then never make eye contact again. Right??? That's what I was thought was the thing to do. Until now apparently.
My actual message: "It's the 'oh goodness, I know you from work' response. Lol. Pretty typical I'd say".


He messaged back saying he had a good laugh and contemplated not saying anything (like he should have!!!) and asked about my work day. THIS IS GETTING TOO WEIRD.


In other news, some guy just asked to get to know me over a drink sometime. Honestly he's not that cute nor am I super interested. However, I like his upfront style. Bold and straight to the point. No internet messaging bullshit. Now that's something I can appreciate.
Again, not interested, but considering it because it's the first response-worthy message I've received.
^^Take note fellas of the internet.

Getting started advice

So a couple hours into this experiment and it's already annoying. FUUUUUUUUUCK.

 After talking to a good friend and avid-OKC user, she's shared her secret/not-so-secret strategy on how to use OKC like a boss without completely losing your sanity.

Here are her suggestions:

"when i'm bored, look through my matches for people with high match percentages who are also attractive

click

look at pictures

if attractive

read profile

if sufficiently interested, let them know i saw their profile (huzzah a-list!)

and star them to four

with a-list, look at the people who "like" me (rate me 4+ stars). decide if they're worth "liking" back

delete messages from people who i give no fucks about

only keep messages i might be interested in answering

answer when i fucking feel like it

if the conversation doesn't steer towards finding a time/place to meet relatively quickly

let it fade out

i ain't got no time for pen pals"

Bitch got her shit on POINT!
But seriously, that's some solid advice because I can't message every single dude who says anything ever to me. That would be ridiculous and would make my life a living hell. 

I don't even care about dating that much, to be honest.

I just really needed a new hobby (after almost setting my apartment on fire yesterday, I realized I should probably give up cooking/baking) and a reason to blog.

So, Babs, what do you do with your spare time? What are your hobbies?
As my good friend answered for me: "crafting and Tinder and wine". LOLZ.
(Also, I would like to note that I have mentioned wine in every single post so far, but I PROMISE I am not an alcoholic...that I know of...)

Also some advice for any dudes who want to date using the internet (or anyone of any gender who wants to date ever)...
You will suck at dating if you have 2 or more of these qualities:
1) Are not attractive (this one's subjective and beauty comes in all shapes and size. But put a little effort in at least. Slash since it's subjective, I will not message you back, nor should you message me if there is no attraction)

2) Are uninteresting and have a super lame profile (again, effort!)

3) Send a vague message (aka: "Hey, what's up")

Again, TRYING seems to be the key here. So advice to anyone ever: use your effort and try, you asshole.

Step 1: Exist on the internet

Oh good lord, here we go again.
Fucking internet dating...

Let's just say I've done this before. Kinda.
By "done this" I mean, I've set up the exact same Tinder and OKCupid accounts more times than I can count, spend several weeks on it, get depressed by the assholes and idiots who message me and then delete my account (I should probably learn to deactivate rather than delete, but I always say "I'm never doing this again!" before inevitably doing it again. My email is even autostored on OKCupid...*sigh*).

So alas, here I am...doing it again.

UPDATE: I AM A GENIUS! I only deactivated instead of deleting last time (apparently old dogs can learn new tricks!). So step 1: complete.
My old profile is pretty lame, but whatever. I'll keep it and see what happens.

Step 2? Delete all of the messages ever.
Even though I'm keeping my old profile, I'm starting with a fresh perspective on the males of the interwebs and that means completely obliterating any previous interactions.
Step 2: complete.

Step 3: update photos so I don't look like an alcoholic. I got a few messages last time I had my account noting how many pictures I'm drinking in. LOLZ. I LIKE TO DRINK OKAY?! Deal with it.
I also tend to look better when I'm going somewhere to drink.
Because apparently sweatpants with no make-up while clinging to a bottle of wine on the couch is not a look people find attractive when seeking a mate. Who knew.
Step 3: complete.

In the middle of step 3, I've already received my first message! HUZZAH.
All it says is: "Hello". DEEP.
Wow, this guy is trying hard to get to know me already. *swoon*
Looking at his one sentence or one word profile answers, I can tell he's a reaaaaal talker. His answer to the question "On a typical Friday night I am...", he says, "Any good things, they are not same :))"
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, GUY?

Step 4: Make contact.
Okay, so this first guy has made no effort, is bald, is younger than me and has left little than the 39% match to go off of. Should I message back in the name of internet science? No, fuck you guys. You'll have to wait for something a little more than that
Step 4: Incomplete (for now).

Step 5: Fill out some of those personality quiz questions
For some reason answering a question about how much I enjoy oral (I seriously just answered that) is supposed to help find me the man of my dreams. Who knew.


BACK TO STEP 4! More messages! (I'm hoping this confirms that I am not a horrible-looking ogre).
Message 2: "Hello there studly"
Seriously, guys, what the hell am I supposed to do with these messages?? Your profiles and messages are vague as shit.
Luckily he had a link to 'Can I kick it?' by A Tribe Called Quest on his profile, which I, TRUE STORY, am listening to right at this moment. That warrants a message. Which is pretty much that sentence I just typed out here.

Message 3: Someone with an actual fucking question! My god, there are people who want to say more than hello! Someone who has tried a minuscule amount. Messaged back. Good job, fella.


Okay, so there are an overwhelming number of underwhelming messages and so far no one I find all that attractive :/ But for you guys and for science, I'm responding. I have a feeling this experiment is going to get very old, very fast (Tinder is a hell of a lot less work, so I'm ready to start on that bandwagon later), but, for you, I'll continue on!

Update: I found a feature on OkCupid called "QuickMatch" which is basically like Tinder. So I can still be a shallow, judge-y aasshole on OKCupid too? ALRIGHT!

First things first I'm the realest

Okay so I was clearly on drugs when I wrote that last post.
And by drugs, I mean I probably got drunk, alone, on cheap ass wine. Because, yes, that is my life.
But isn't it the life of just about every 20-something, single female these days? Opening a bottle of wine, thinking "Oh, I'll just have one glass and watch this cool new movie". Hours go by and you realize you've had the entire bottle, you're alone drunk in your apartment and somehow managed to watch the entire discography of Gossip Girl in one sitting. No? No one? Just me?...Bueller?

Jokes. I know I'm not special. I know I'm not the only who cries alone into a bottle of 2 buck chuck while consuming an entire bag of what should have been 'healthy' snacks (or at least it was somewhat healthy half a bag ago).
If I was the only one, there wouldn't be so many goddamn blogs and books or the entire series of Sex in the City. No, this is nothing new. And I am not trying to take credit for any sort of "original" idea.

But what I *can* do is document it. And embrace it. And best of all, fucking OWN IT.
Because I am a single, young woman so hear me fucking ROAR, DAMMIT. Or at least meow kinda loudly (I'm also a realist).

Tonight (after a giant ass burger and some courage-inducing sangria) I've decided I'm ready to start an adventure I know I'll learn to regret.
Here's the start of something.
That something being this crappy blog that no one will ever read about all of the horrible (and hopefully some not so horrible) dates I will go on in real life. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW.
I will now be navigating the realm of dating.

The main difference between me and the millions of other girls in my position is that I will be writing about it for fake internet points.
Just like every Netflix-binging, wine drinking white girl, having recently felt like someone took a giant dump on my heart (awww, the sweet smell of romance), I'm gonna say FUCK IT. Fuck it and make me internet famous, at the very least.
It's time to move on and see what this world has to offer.
And since it's 2014, most of what the world has to offer is the internet and weird social interactions. Welcome to dating of the future!

Now here we are. Single girl looking for something.
Let me clarify...I am (kinda...ish...maybe) not looking for love. I am looking for solid relationships with fellas I hopefully enjoy doin' it with. Sometimes you win some, sometimes you don't. But either way, world, I'll be here to tell you what it's like. And it's all from my perspective as a completely average 20-something female who is not at all special (My mom made me casseroles when I was growing up, for fuck's sake. How normal, white person is that?!). So don't expect some Carrie Bradshaw shit in which I wear Prada and trade food money for Vogue.
Fuck that. Give me french fries over magazines any day.

I'm rambling though.
Let's do this. For real. You and me? We in this together? Deal?

Let's get weird!

Oh, hey, world.

Babs here. I don't really know what I'm "supposed" to be writing about. Or who I'm supposed to be writing to or for.
So.
ZERO FUCKS!

^^That's approximately how appropriate I plan on making this blog. So hide yo' children, hide yo' wife because this ain't going to be your grandmother's blog (see? Look at all the grammar rules I'm already breaking! BAD 2 DA BONE. Suck it, grammatically correct sentences! I live life on the edge).
Anyhow.
Who is Babs?
You mean, besides a grammar-breaking hardcore motherfucker?
She's a 24 year old girl trapped in her own hilarity and ready for the thoughts to spill from her brain onto the internet....you know, like most 20-somethings these days.

And that brings us here. Together. The two of us (are we sharing a moment? I think this is us having a moment. Awww! How cute are we?!). Alone (sexy?).
But I hope you're ready for this adventure you've (clearly) committed to make with me (you're here, aren't you? NOW YOU'RE COMMITTED. BOOM).  Because it's gonna be a good one.

So let's get started. Our first official blog commitment together.

Today I decided something (besides the fact that I was actually going to blog).
I decided that I'm going to write an erotic novel. Not because I like to type out the word penis (in fact, I pondered far too long about typing it out just meow), nor is it because I find sexy books particularly interesting. I've never even read a sexy-times book. Just THINKING about writing an erotic novel on the bus today made me blush. No joke (because what if there was a mind-reader on that bus?! I DONT KNOW THEM AND WHAT SECRET POWERS THEY MIGHT HAVE! They could know I was thinking about doin' it. Even though that wasn't what I was even thinking about. I was thinking about writing about dirty deeds).
But why the hell not? Sexy-times authors make BANK (money in da bank, shawty what ya drank? ...because currently I drink 2 buck chuck and I would like to step it up to 10 dollars wines in the near future...) And also because I have nothing better to do.
Desire for money (wine money!) + a shit load (and yes, that's an exact measurement) time with nothing to do but be alone with my own thoughts = the next big erotic author. OBVI.

So that's where I'm at in my life right now.
2 buck chuck drinking, single lady with nothing to fill her evenings except for writing dirty novels and shoveling food into her mouth.
I think this is what #winning feels like?

So that's that. Now I need to think of a creative pen name so all of my adoring fans won't be able to creep on me on the internet.
Start thinking, you. Because, now that you know, you're in this now too. There's no turning back as we start our sexy, erotic novel journey.
Bitch (that wasn't necessary, I just wanted some profanity for good measure).

PS: I don't think you're a bitch. Please don't leave me. You seem nice...I love you?