Foods before dudes

So I've unveiled my secret plan (so secret even I didn't know it was my plan!) as to why I'm actually dating (besides SCIENCE!).
...Wait for it....


Food.

Food and wine will always be my great loves.
Food is always going to my first and foremost (sorry, Wine, try not to take it too personally. You just came into my life so much later than food did).
But what's better than food?

FREE FOOD.

Ah yessss. The one thing that can get me to do almost anything (the company I work for has discovered this weak spot in most of their employees and regularly uses it to appease the masses).

So dating.
If you're a girl, do you know what you get on a date? Paid for (and, hopefully, not for sexual favors. Just your meal, drink, coffee).
Now I'm not saying this is fair. In fact, I think it's pretty stupid. My exes and I have almost always split the bills because making the guy pay for everything is absolutely ridiculous. Even on a first date.
So I will always offer to pay for half (or at least my half).

HOWEVER.
Girls suffer a lot of bias because we happen to have vaginas and bigger boobs (bigger than *most* dudes at least). So if we happen to get a free meal every now and then because of said vagina, so be it. No argument here! I'll make a genuine offer, but won't fight you if you offer me the one thing I love most in the world--free food.

So my super-top-secret plan? See how much free food I can get!
Date sucks? No prob! I got this delicious doughnut out of the deal.
Super creepy dude? It's okay, I've only got eyes for this tasty tamale!
Horrible conversation? Don't sweat, there's always my mouthwatering mac&cheese to keep me company!

Also, THANK GOD my 'what will we eat on Sunday' problem has been solved!
No need to choose because I can eat ALL OF THE THINGS thanks to his suggestion and Bite of Seattle.
Who cares about the first date now? I GET TO EAT SO MUCH FOOD
#longhairdontcare
The fact that I'm so excited about the food makes all of my nerves about the date fade away. How can I worry about if he's cute or boring or not, when there are FREE SAMPLES about?

Wave after wave, I'm slowly drifting

Dammit -_______-

Maybe it's the fact that I haven't gotten any action in a while, but I might be developing a crush on a man I've never met before.
DANGER! DANGER! Abort mission!
I don't like that the feels are feeling things.
...god, I hope he's cute. Or maybe it would be better, for science, if he was super unattractive (to me). Stop all this nonsense before I get in too deep.
To be fair, he hasn't been particularly witty or charming. But interesting and nice. That 'nice' factor is key in my dating world because, well, sometimes they're not.
I can tell he's starting to get a little more comfortable though, so maybe he just needs to break the ice?
:P <<< he used one of those in a recent convo and I've used one of ;)
Since winky faces are pretty much the emoji equivalent of offering your body (that's how that works, right?), maybe he'll take the hint.

Also, my first potential date texted me again (He shall hence forth be known as AppleSeed). I didn't see that coming.
Maybe I can set up a trial run with him on Saturday before I meet with PassTheDutch on Sunday. Ease into things a little bit? AppleSeed hasn't responded though so we'll see if anything develops...or, shall I say.....grows.

Good one, Babs. *self-five*

Also, can I just say that some people are persistent motherfuckers?
One guy has messaged me twice and IMed me three times. How does one not get the picture, that after no response whatsoever, someone is not interested?
Good for you for your persistence, but continuously trying to create communication will not all of sudden foster attraction. Unless you kidnap me, force me to talk to you and I develop some sort of Stockholm Syndrome (10/10 would not recommend).

Eat this, not that

So apparently, on my very first date as a scientist, I've already messed up.
AND MY DATE HASN'T EVEN HAPPENED YET.
Experiment with Subject 1 (PassTheDutch) is already failing. Because I'm a noob and made a rookie mistake.

By scheduling a date so far in advance, we're already using up that precious first date conversation. We haven't even met and our topics are waning. Before you know it, I'll be swimming in dangerous waters and floating around subjects-that-shall-not-be-named (politics, religion, sex...). Fuck.
I'm panicking already (actual thought today: Oh god, is it acceptable to play Never Have I Ever on a first date? Kings Cup? ...I think I'm confusing dates with college parties...).

Not to mention I still have to pick some place to eat. THE DECISIONS.
This guy doesn't know me, but making me make a choice? On the first date? Hello, nightmare.
I've decided I'm going to pick a food 'genre' (thai, sushi, burgers, etc) and make him pick a place. However, that still leaves me with a very crucial decision that I have to reluctantly make.
No joke, I actually googled "foods to eat on a first date". Lolz.
It was surprisingly unhelpful (although I did find a link to all of the "sexy foods" I should order. Noted: figs will make me seem sexy), so I'm still stuck.
I'm hopeless.


UPDATE: I just got a message from a 34 year old, picture-less stranger on OKC. It said "cute pic of you eating salad lol nice teeth and smile".
I LOOK CUTE EATING SALAD. This will turn out to be a very useful clue into 'what should I eat on my first date'. Salad.
Wait, does that make me one of those girls? Those girls who eat salad and barely eat anything on dates? FUCK. Maybe if I stuff my face full of bread it will balance out the cute-salad eating. ANOTHER CLUE! Bread!
So some place that has both salad and free bread. I think we're getting closer, Watson.

Come on pass the dutch, baby!

Another thing happened!

And another didn't happen.
My coffee date cancelled :( It was apparently work-related, but there's been no re-schedule.
I don't really care, to be honest. He owes me nothing; I owe him nothing. We were just two people who maybe wanted to meet IRL at some point. But no dice. No sweat off my back though.

However, I did get a message from someone who I found to be relatively cute and he *gasp* put effort into his message AND profile! He meets all of my minimum requirements! (I know, I definitely set my bar pretty high). From now I shall refer to him as PassTheDutch (because I like that song and he lived in the Netherlands).

After some messaging back and forth, I left the door open (WIIIIIIIDE open...if he didn't get my huge hints that we should meet, he would have been an idiot) to ask about an IRL meet-up. He met the challenge and accepted it!
We now have plans for Sunday afternoon. At 4pm (is that a weird time to anyone else besides me?).
We're gonna walk around the sculpture park (since he's never been) and then get dinner (I still need to decide what kind of food. PRESSURE. I feel like I'm putting too much thought. But it has to be delicious and I must look cute eating it. Which means burritos are out :( As is anything pesto-related because of the super high probability of green-crap-in-teeth situation. Decisions!).

I feel like that's a lot of activity for a first date though? What about coffee? It would be easy to chat for an hour and run if things sucked. What if he's a creepy murderer? or WORSE. Not as cute as I think! (I clearly have my priorities in line). I'm locked in to a meal AND an activity. That's faaaaaar too much time to spend with a stranger.

And worse yet? We've been texting. Like, getting-to-know-you texting. THE HORROR!
I'm legitimately afraid we're going to use up all of our conversations over text and then have absolutely nothing to talk about during our excruciatingly-long Sunday date. We'll have nothing to do but sit in painful silence while I chew my not-burrito (which, since there's no burrito involved, already sounds terrible).
AND HE'LL HEAR ME CHEWING (noted: choose noisy restaurant). Oh god, is it too late to back out now? *mild panic attack*

Good thing I love science so much, otherwise I might very well say 'cya later OKC', I'll be a shut-in with my bottle of wine and giant burrito.
But, for you, science, I won't
Not to mention, I find this guy kinda cute and somewhat interesting and a person I might actually want to get to know.
Which is actually scarier than him being a murderer for 2 reasons.
1) Maybe I've built him up in my head to be far more awesome than he actually is. This being my first online-to-real life encounter ("encounter", lolz, that sounds...sexual), it could very well set me up for disappointment for all of my future 'encounters'. Maybe he sucks. Maybe he's not attractive. Maybe he's alright, but not that great. These aren't horrible things, but I'm just afraid I'm going to set myself up for disappointment.
OR
2)  WORSE!
What if I like him? What if he likes me back? What if he doesn't like me back?!
There is a potential for emotions to get involved. I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. This is for science after all. This is not an experiment to make me feel the feels.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe he'll suck and I'll have to spend 3 hours of my life listening to myself chew loudly. We can only hope!

OKC called me a bitch.

...And I'm not OK[cupid] with that.

WHAT THE FUCK OKCUPID?

Some of the questions include:
"How does the idea of being slapped hard in the face during sex make you feel?"
Some of the answers include: aroused, indifferent, nostalgic, scared.

And apparently, after answering 130 of those questions, it determined I was a total fucking bitch.
At least compared to other females in my age range.

Here's my "personality" after 130 questions:

I sound like the worst person in the world. Not only am a rude, untrusting bitch, but I'm a 'less pure', atheist prude. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I honestly have no idea if I'm "less pure" (whatever the fuck that means), but I will admit that they did get the less spiritual and less romantic part right.
However, I still call bullshit. I feel like there is such a gender bias here. More logical and more scientific? Is that bad? I don't know, I just feel like it's completely skewed. Sure I may be 'more logical' than some females (again, what the fuck does that even mean?!), but how would I stack up against a male counterpart?
And, I don't know, I guess I just don't buy it. I feel like there's a certain image that OKC expects of a woman and I feel that perhaps, some women, play into that. The romantic one, I guess. The one I am, apparently, very opposite of (fair).
I just don't buy it and it's made me really skeptical of the whole OKC algorithm.

I don't trust you, OKC. I'm watching you....

Nevertheless (FOR SCIENCE!), I decided to play OKC's little "personality" game. To see how the number of questions I answered would affect my so-called "personality". 

So I kept going. 

I was surprised to see how one answer could drastically change my results. Sure, the more you answer, the more accurate it's going to be, but having already answered 130 questions, I figured one answer shouldn't affect it *that* much. 

But, alas, one minute you're normal, then you make one answer about not owning a 8+sided dice and you're suddenly anti-geek. Again, it made me nothing, but more skeptical. 

However, since I could see me suddenly thawing out of frigid bitch territory, I decided to keep going. 

Here are my results, 170 questions in:

Not great, but I appear to be warming up to strangers, finally. And I'm literate! Thank god! I CAN READ! Good thing I have OKC to fill me in on those important details about myself. 

Again, I kept going.
It also struck me how it is SO freaking easy to skew your own results and "personality". Considering this is a HUGE determining factor on who you're matched up with, it's kind of scary to think about the people who could so easily portray themselves to be someone they're not. I guess it's the internet so what the hell else was I expecting.
Also, that's a classic Bab's outlook. So untrusting.
...Maybe OKC knows me better than I think? MAYBE I AM A FRIGID BITCH? ...I'll just go cry into my bottle of wine now...

*sigh* To prove 170-question-OKC-personality wrong, I kept going, with hope that I might not sound like such a terrible person. 

Here we are at 200 questions:

Not gonna lie, I still sound like a pretty terrible date. I definitely wouldn't date me with those results, but at least I sounds kind of interesting.
Maybe if I keep going, I'll finally be able to be kind to strangers! *fingers crossed*

And even with a pretty terrible "personality" I still get messages from dudes who want to bone. So there's hope?
Case and point, this little IM gem:

"hey how's it going? would you be interested in some casual fun? I can send you a pic if you want, im good looking :)"

Ahhh yes, I can tell by your picture-less profile that you must be super good-looking. Because it's a dating website and no one would ever want to see a picture of your face to determine if you're actually good-looking.

A thing!

"Yeah Its only after you travel that you really come to realize how cool Seattle and the PNW is. I read your profile and you seem like such an awesome person. Too bad you're so tall. :/"

COOL. AS IF I'M NOT SELF-CONSCIOUS ENOUGH, JERK.
However, I will continue to wear heels and kick ass (and pretend to be GODZIRRA! around all of my short friends).
More messages, more lame-os.
Did I mention that "Hello beautiful" or "Hi :)" is the absolute worst way to initiate a conversation? Because, yeah, it is. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT???
Also being the age of MY DAD is another terrible quality in a future date. No thanks. 

An interesting one? Someone just came right out and said some fun facts about himself: "I'm a huge nerd, and the 5th was my birthday! Also I'm afraid of sharks". Cool?
Because I find sharks to be super cuddly and adorable and would definitely try to pet it?
Uhhh, I would hope human instinct would kick in and strike the fear of sharks in everyone.
Except when watching Sharknado. That movie is AWESOME and everyone, fear of sharks or not, should definitely spend 2 hrs of their life dedicated to Sharknado (no joke). 

But. An actual thing happened!
First message:
"Hi! Coffee?"

He's not really "my type", but he's relatively cute and his profile wasn't horrible so why not?!
FOR SCIENCE! *fist pump*

My response: "Sure! I'm down :) When are you free?"
Who knows if anything will come of it, but this is the first step toward going on my first date with a stranger....ever? OH DEAR LORD. That is terrifying. Fingers crossed I won't get murdered!

*Internal Screams*

OH DEAR LORD.
Day 1 and things are already WEIRD.

Not only did I find my current roommate's PSYCHO ex-roommate (who might I add is supposed to be in a serious, monogamous relationship), but worse. Things just got worse.

A married co-worker of mine just messaged me on OKC. Work and OKC DO NOT mix.
I repeat: DANGER! PANIC! ABORT MISSION!

His message: "What was your absolute favorite part of today?"

My reaction: OH GOD! OH GOD! He knows I'm on here! During work hours! Wait, isn't he married? I'm pretty fucking sure he just got married? Is that too judgey of me? To each his own? NOPE. NOPE. Too weird.
MUST. TELL. COWORKER. IN NEXT CUBICLE. *runs around screaming*
My actual message: "HAHAHAHAHA"

His reply: "That is the exact response I was thinking would happen"

My reaction: What the fuck am I supposed to say? I'm freaking the fuck out here. This is weird. If you didn't think it was weird then you KRAY KRAY. Not only because you know I know you're married (again, totes understand complicated and/or open marriages), but WE WORK TOGETHER. It's common courtesy when you see a coworker on an online dating site to laugh, tell your friends and then never do anything about it ever. And then never make eye contact again. Right??? That's what I was thought was the thing to do. Until now apparently.
My actual message: "It's the 'oh goodness, I know you from work' response. Lol. Pretty typical I'd say".


He messaged back saying he had a good laugh and contemplated not saying anything (like he should have!!!) and asked about my work day. THIS IS GETTING TOO WEIRD.


In other news, some guy just asked to get to know me over a drink sometime. Honestly he's not that cute nor am I super interested. However, I like his upfront style. Bold and straight to the point. No internet messaging bullshit. Now that's something I can appreciate.
Again, not interested, but considering it because it's the first response-worthy message I've received.
^^Take note fellas of the internet.